I took a self esteem test and scored a 4 out of a possible 16. According to the test:
Below 8 Points – Your esteem is drastically low! (The test is at www.more-selfesteem.com/test)
I guess my husband is right; I do have extremely low self esteem. It’s weird though. Two of the questions I answered ‘true’ on were that I ‘deserve love and respect’ and I ‘feel valued and needed’. I don’t expect these things however. I don’t expect anything good. It lowers the impact of disappointment. I also ‘feel guilty about doing or saying what I want’. I may get frustrated and force the issue but later the impact of guilt is overwhelming. I suppose even though I ‘think’ I deserve to be loved and respected the reality is that I don’t really believe it.
My main hang-up on this is that I don’t want to be one of these people that are pissed off because they didn’t get what they ‘deserved’ in life. I’ve seen very good people that should be rich and famous struggling over two and three jobs. It is what it is. Most of life is the luck of the draw I think. There is more to being rich than just having money, though. When my daughter asked me what ‘rich’ meant I told her it was when you have a lot of something. I didn’t want her to get the idea that rich only means having money.
I also had whacked out parents and strange relatives. The only ‘love and respect’ I knew was toxic. There was nothing I could do about this. It was just the luck of the draw. What’s the point in getting angry or feeling like I deserved better? I’m still angry, but it’s because even though I’m an adult my parents still wish to treat me like they did-and I still feel like I did- when I was a child and the rest of my father’s family could really care less as far as I know. I am also angry that I didn’t get better but I’m annoyed at that part and really don’t see the use in it. It’s a constant struggle.
I haven’t gone through the site yet to see if there is anything that could help my situation. I have no clue how you would change a thought process like mine. According to the professionals it is important. Granted I don’t trust ‘the professionals’ but then I don’t trust anyone so that really isn’t a reason to get all worked up. Guess it’s just one more thing I get to add to the list.