My goal is 50,000 words. This isn’t that my book is going to be 50,000 words. I’ll write until it’s over; whether that’s 40, 50 or even 100 thousand words remains to be seen. The word goal is simply an encouragement to write. If it was really important that I make my goal, I might write all there is to write and then delude it to nothing more than luke-warm stagnant water by going back and adding superfluous information and taking out contractions where there should damn well be contractions. So word goals are just encouragements.

My encouragement today since I missed my earlier encouragements of 1,000 words, 1,500 and 2,000 words (I’ve managed about 500 in the last 5 days x.x) is now 5,800 words. If I make it I will love myself that much more :p.

Dear Words, the same by any name

Give me the strength to play this game

Quiet the voices in my head

Masquerading as demon’s dread

Whispering of yesterday’s pain

Lies it’s in my way again

Unrealized fears pose no threat

Hiding prose till dreams forget

No, dear words, this I pray

Damn fear, spill ink, and take breath away

Not out of nothing, no magic to steady

Just help me to do, what I can do already

For anyone else that reads it I have a drinking game for you: every time Annabelle glares at anything…drink. You’ll be trashed halfway through.

What was I thinking?!?

This is a first draft so I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I’ve promised myself not to edit until it is complete. Thankfully while I’m thoroughly annoyed with my word choices I’m still completely enthralled with my story. Yay!

An unfortunate encounter with poison ivy and some rethinking has delayed writing a tad. My plan is to write…just write…until the entire story is on the screen. I will then proofread as best *I* can, and post that unedited version on Literotica by May 31^st. I plan on spending June editing and giving publishing with a publishing company a go. If I don’t have any luck I’ll give self publishing on Amazon another looksie.

Oh yeah…schools out. Time to party!

So, yesterday I was at work dealing with a team that I’m on and I looked at my team member and said:

“And you get the naked survey.” With that grin that is so me. Then I realized I was at work and these weren’t my forgiving friends who even find me entertaining at times. The ‘smile and back away’ slowly look on my team member’s face said it all…because naked surveys are so…bad…really.

My sense of humor must be really askew. But the survey had no envelope like the other 50 did so it really was naked…but I digress.

Point is, I keep thinking I can do this. I keep thinking I can walk into this corporate environment every day and hide who I really am. In this world I wouldn’t think of getting a tattoo. My clothes are conservative as are my thoughts. I keep my humor to a minimum and how much I say in general. No one needs to know I’m inappropriate, beautifully liberal and the only reason I haven’t added to my tattoo collection is because I’m lacking the funds to do so. Also, I’m not a Christian and I voted for Obama. I also think E.L. James is a crap author who was made famous out of pure luck, and that is something I don’t say lightly. I write erotic stories and I know a lot of talented erotic authors because I’ve had the pleasure of being a part of that circle. I think I have a legit opinion here.

Of course the fact that I know who E.L. James is might be too much for this place. I’m sure they’d all be brown-bagging that shit while I’d be pointing out the fact that the protagonist ‘shivered’ 20 times in one fucking paragraph. (I read the first book and promptly forgot it, but I do remember the severe irritation over the repetition of words. You don’t have to be a genius…that’s what thesauruses are for.)

Be careful of what you post or like on Facebook.

Be careful of being who you are.

I don’t know if I can do this.

I know what it’s like to live in a cage. This why even if I don’t agree with you I support your right to be what you are. This is why my characters will always with accepting something about themselves that is unacceptable in society.

You know if I thought to pray, if I thought the architect of the universe – whatever it or they maybe – had a moment to spare for me…just for me…no world, no children, no family…which ARE the things that come first…but just me….I’d pray for the keys. But you know, the door is never closed…it’s just that walking through it doesn’t just change your life. It changes everyone’s.

So back to work…for now.

Or it could be that I’m in graduate school, have a full time job as a senior accountant, and there are sordid reports that I might be a mom sometimes too.

Actually the mom thing is pretty awesome.

It’s been months and months since I’ve written anything substantial that wasn’t attached to a grade…and it sucks. Not the papers…the lack of creative writing. The juices have stopped flowing. It’s the damn Sahara desert over here. WTF? So, I also lost my jump drive with my unfinished prose and my computer that had the backup crashed. After the suicide watch was over…not really, the computer that crashed just lost its third power supply in the space of 6 months and it needs to be replaced…OMFG!…but I’m still pissed about the jump drive…oh this sentence has been mutilated…I’m a damn grammar serial killer….

Anyway

I’m having the hubby ninja his way into my powerless hard drive and pull my stories off. Damien and Annabelle’s story is getting “finished” (there could be more after the initial book) by the end of May…maybe this weekend. I have scenes running through my head on a near constant basis. Working has become impossible.

I’ll be posting the unedited (though hopefully still readable) piece on Literotica and then I’m going to take the finished product and let a friend who is as twisted as me go over it. That completed book will be published for sale on Amazon May 31st, 2013.

I think.

We shall see.

But…meh.

I finished school…with a 4.0. Are you shocked? I am. That’s not really tooting my own horn. I hear tell that, the degree being new and all, they are supposed to give ‘A’s unless you just suck that badly. Not that I sucked. I pulled off some awesome papers and got considerably better at presenting.

I have not yet finished my book. Damn it! Twenty thousand words maybe…and nothing. Sigh. And I start school again today. Shit! But hey…that’s me.

I got addicted to this game: Dragons of Atlantis. I keep saying I like it because I only have to spend a few minutes on it a day, but I find every time I have a free minute I’m there. I may be fooling myself here.

I’m back in the gym (Curves). All that lovely weight I lost has found me. ::sigh:: Hopefully it won’t take long to loose it again. Not only am I doing that but I’ve also commited playing x-box dance games with my daughter 30mins a day 6 times a week. Started last night and I’m feeling it today. Wow!

Finally…my new job. Suddenly I’m regretful that this account is attached to my real name because…holy hell the stories…lol. It’s a good job though and things are getting brighter every day. I’m enjoying what I do again and I love my boss and his boss. My co-workers are cool even if they tend to lean towards reality show entertaining. I’m really lucky.

Until…next time.

Though, honestly, I have some extremely fond memories of this place and I’ve made a few friends. It wasn’t a super easy decision, but, in the end, only an idiot would pass up the chance I’m being given: I get to work with my mentor again, I’m 20 minutes closer to home, and should my daughter’s asthma come back with a vengeance they will work with me instead of putting me on counseling like I’m a bad employee for giving a fuck about my daughter’s wellbeing….anyway…

I get to look forward to dressing as a 19^th century vampire tomorrow. Yes! Going out with a bite! I will get some pictures.

School…

I haz it. I managed to avoid giving my 45 minute presentation on long term relationships due to the really awesome guy from the Port of Galveston who came to present. (I should probably send him a nice thank you letter) He’s had dinner with Fidel Castro twice. Holy shit! How many people in the world can say that? Also, apparently the US can trade with Cuba on a very limited basis because the Port of Galveston has sent agricultural products there. Oh the things I’m learning. Infinitely amazing. Oh yeah, presentation moved to Halloween. Fun!

Finally…

I start my new job on the 5^th of November. My first day will probably include a hangover because the weekend before that I will be drunk in a ditch, or a tent, or on a couch someone brought, or…who knows. Pirates these days…

Until next week…

And today I got a note that my first class today is canceled and the test on Monday has been moved to the following Wednesday.

So much good news….which is good because I’m about to go bonkers waiting for the final word on what I thought was a sure thing last week. WTF? You know how…never mind.

Random non-endorsing pic that I just thought was funny.

Now if only I could get a full eight hours sleep…but I don’t want to ask for to much.

I may or may not have a presentation to do Monday, buuuutttt I have lots of time to prepare and some really neat ideas.

Yet….

OK, have an awesome weekend.

Last Week…

Was just overwhelming. First paper due in 12 years….and I bombed it. The schedule doesn’t seem feasible, but I don’t have a choice. Why? Because certain uncontrollable elements prevent me from doing this the “smart way” and not doing it at all means mediocrity forever possibly which is unacceptable. Occasionally I start to believe the impossibility of it all and fall down…crash as it were. This week I’m getting back up and starting again. Life, good or bad, leaves you know other choice.

Yeah, it has nothing to do with anything.

I’m currently working…and working on a major presentation due tomorrow. Tonight I have to go and talk to another teacher about my crappy work. At least he cares. That is one very awesome thing about grad school: it’s small enough for the teachers to care.

Too big to care is an issue…a huge issue. Take a hypothetical scenario where a talented person takes a new job in the hopes of furthering their career. A bigger company means more stability and possible advancement opportunities. The problem that this person does not foresee is that a bigger company does not know anything about its employees. It sees numbers. When these numbers are not where they ‘should be’ it is taken up with management and management is rarely talented. Instead of trying to track down the problem, -because, really, they don’t know how- they start tightening the noose on things they can easily control. Things like what an employee has in their office or on their desktop, the kind of hours they keep, if they are spreading ‘rumors’, etc. If they look like they are running a tight shift, than the problem has to be beyond their control right? There is no time to care about one person and their possibilities when you have someone breathing down your neck and 15 or so other people with possibilities. Possibilities don’t produce numbers now. Their demand and supply curves are all fucked up. They are too busy producing pizzas for immediate gratification to produce capital and the possibility of long term growth.

I did get some amazing news last week…at least I thought. I’m pretty pessimistic and now you’ll see why. The words ‘welcome to the team’ were actually sent to me in reference to my good news. Later I was told to hold on and now we play the waiting game. I hate waiting. You sit in silence wondering: do I send a note asking how it’s going or do I sit here and wait patiently like a good little worker bee? Because that’s just what I want to be…someone else’s worker bee. Ah…decisions.

Hope your weekend was awesome! Mine actually was really good. Hopefully tomorrow I will have some awesome news to share.

I also find out how I did on my second test in Economics. I was right about an increase in supply shifting the curve to the right which means I got every question right…I think. That was the only thing I was unsure of on the whole test. Hmm…a perfect score in college. I don’t know that I’ve ever done that. I will refrain from laughing at the girl that “didn’t have time to study”. It’s possible she does more than an adult with a family, a full time job, and graduate level classes…but still.

Yeah, me either…but…it’s a ferret.

 Oh but I was a kid once too (and apparently, considering my current state of affairs regarding the paper due today, still am) but I fessed up and admitted to being a dumbass. No sob stories for me.

Anyway, random meandering on my Zen studies that I wrote last week some time I think. You were warned:

I’m currently sitting here trying to code silly credit card transactions while the first few chapters of An Introduction to Zen Buddhism by D.T. Suzuki distract me. It may not mean much. A shipping container with Maersk written on the side of it distracted me yesterday. Still, I’m finding this stuff really interesting…and really round about and confusing.

At the moment my understanding of Zen Buddhism is this: Shit Happens. That isn’t born out of frustration or cynicism. It’s more of an epiphany. I can’t explain it. I’m still completely confused, but I think I’m in a good place as far as this goes. I’m not looking for structure or a way into some promised land…I’m just looking for…something. Maybe I’ll find it here…maybe I’ll move. It’s a beautiful thing really.